The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
01/29/15
Good job with the topic in this well written story with a powerful message.

Well done.

God bless~
I didn't see any thing wrong with the writing.

I am not sure if I see greed in the boy or indulgence in the mom (parents).
The mom's conduct left a lot to be desired if she was the one that organized the party. The boy may have only been following directions from his parents. The boy may need some teaching in how to win friends.

Keep being creative in your story lines.
I enjoyed your story, but have to admit that I was disappointed not to find out what this pompous, selfish family had put in the gift bag. :)
02/03/15
Nice treatment of the topic. I enjoyed reading this. I suggest that the first several paragraphs are unnecessary. Cut straight to the phone call for Steve and then you have more words to use on developing the greed aspect of the story. Nicely done! Keep writing.
02/06/15
Hello Kristine, I'm a little late making my rounds this week, but was blessed by this entry. You have some good elements here to work with, so obviously, you are off to a great start in your growth as a writer.

You used good wording to tag your dialogue. However, you don't have to tag every line with, "He said, she said", when your characters are conversing. Sometimes that interferes with the flow. For example:

“My name is Sam Nichols. I am new down the street,” replied the caller.

“One moment, Sam, I will see if Steve is available,” Molly replied.

You don't need the "Molly replied," especially because she addressed him by his name, so we already know who is speaking, as she is the only other character who has been introduced at this point. And try changing up the tags back and forth from the end of their lines to the beginning of their words. Ex: "The voice of a young boy sounded through the receiver, "Hello, this is Sam Nichols..."

Just a little something to think about. I look forward to reading your next entry. Blessings!
Good job conveying the message that just because you have a lot of things doesn't mean you are happy.
02/07/15
You've written this in a completely engaging style. I love the lesson it presents. Very nice work!