The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/19/15
Beautiful, powerful, intensely moving.

WEll done!

God bless~
02/20/15
Loved the imagery here. Good flow. A couple of misspelled words but easy fixes. Good job!
This story is an interesting situation.

We must remember who we are but also remember who the others are. We are all made in God's image if we take the time to look for it.

Interesting situation.
I truly enjoyed this story. Immediately, the opening paragraph pulled me right into the story, and I felt like I was right there in the supermarket with your MC.

I'd like to offer some constructive remarks. You have a great deal of talent and by tweaking some minor things, it will propel you through the levels. First, I was thrown by the 7 pm ers. It didn't look right to my eyes and interrupted the flow. Perhaps something like: he noticed it was time for the evening shoppers to arrive. The other thing was this: My child, My yoke is easy. (I'm assuming this is the Holy Spirit speaking;if you put his words into italics it will stand out and be clearer who is speaking.)
When you introduce the sister, you may want to use body language to identify the new character and show the reader the MC's emotions. For example, you could do something like this: Hearing the familiar superiority in her sister's voice, she grimaced as her shoulders drooped. Gritting her teeth, she turned, feeling like she was facing a firing squad instead of Alexa.

Overall, though, you did a splendid job. I don't believe there is a single writer who hasn't experienced feeling like a failure when someone critiques her work. I liked how that was part of your story. It helps me to be reminded that I'm not alone. Before I found FW, other writing sites seemed to enjoy ripping apart someone else, but most of the people here genuinely want to help others become the best possible. You definitely nailed the topic. It was sprinkled throughout your entire piece. Demonizing envy was a clever way to show how it can have a life of its own, if we allow it. My favorite part was the subtle way you showed that Jesus is constantly with us, even when we are unaware. That was a touch of genius with the perfect balance. It didn't come off as too preachy, but just right. The ending left me feeling satisfied and comforted. You did a stunning job.
I truly enjoyed this story. Immediately, the opening paragraph pulled me right into the story, and I felt like I was right there in the supermarket with your MC.

I'd like to offer some constructive remarks. You have a great deal of talent and by tweaking some minor things, it will propel you through the levels. First, I was thrown by the 7 pm ers. It didn't look right to my eyes and interrupted the flow. Perhaps something like: he noticed it was time for the evening shoppers to arrive. The other thing was this: My child, My yoke is easy. (I'm assuming this is the Holy Spirit speaking;if you put his words into italics it will stand out and be clearer who is speaking.)
When you introduce the sister, you may want to use body language to identify the new character and show the reader the MC's emotions. For example, you could do something like this: Hearing the familiar superiority in her sister's voice, she grimaced as her shoulders drooped. Gritting her teeth, she turned, feeling like she was facing a firing squad instead of Alexa.

Overall, though, you did a splendid job. I don't believe there is a single writer who hasn't experienced feeling like a failure when someone critiques her work. I liked how that was part of your story. It helps me to be reminded that I'm not alone. Before I found FW, other writing sites seemed to enjoy ripping apart someone else, but most of the people here genuinely want to help others become the best possible. You definitely nailed the topic. It was sprinkled throughout your entire piece. Demonizing envy was a clever way to show how it can have a life of its own, if we allow it. My favorite part was the subtle way you showed that Jesus is constantly with us, even when we are unaware. That was a touch of genius with the perfect balance. It didn't come off as too preachy, but just right. The ending left me feeling satisfied and comforted. You did a stunning job.