The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/26/15
Great storytelling ability in poetic form. I really liked the lines:

Unquenchable thirst!
Empowering thought
A priceless jewel to be bought

Watch about switching between present and past tense.

Built a city; instead of, Let us build a city
02/27/15
I loved this!
Well done.

God bless~
03/09/15
I am so glad I clicked on this one, as I've received a tremendous blessing. Even though your poetic form could use a little polish, your intended message is outstanding. Problem is, I think some readers will be confused, by trying to find a rhythm, and in the process miss the points.

Try reading your lines to the beat of a drum in your head. Figure out a nice beat and make the syllables in each line match that beat. Personally I feel the cadence is more important than the rhyming. I'm not much of a poet myself and I don't even know all the proper terms to use in explaining the parameters of what makes good poetry. But I can explain it in a common (redneck?) way LOL.

Another thing: Most people will not understand your theological points without explaining them. We have to make it very simple and easy for everyone to understand. I made the same mistake at first and nobody got it. I guess I just left them scratching their heads. Use that great spiritual wisdom you have as if you're sharing it with...well: babes (my apologies world).

I'd really like to see you work a little more on this one, because it has such great potential. Perhaps message one of our wonderful faithwriter poets and ask for their input.

You obviously have a true gift for words and so I know you are meant to be a writer, and you are. I just hope you'll continue growing and getting better all the time. Keep up the great work. Blessings!