The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/26/15
Powerful piece of writing.

I think you meant "weekly" not "weakly."

The dialogue was sometimes confusing in the manner it was written. I would definitely separate the paragraphs with double spaces.
03/02/15
I really enjoyed this entire piece. It kept me interested from beginning to the very last word which contained an important message!

Well done,

God Bless~
03/10/15
Your story behind a story here is profound and compelling. However, your readers will want to know the surface story, or else they will not understand these deep ideas and truths you expound.

Your writing is good. But get to know what people like. If you force them to look at what they should (what you wrote) without entertaining them, they won't read it. 90 percent of your readers won't think as deeply as you do. They don't want to. I know it is very tempting to show the depth of your thoughts (I was the same way) But when we don't explain every detail of what's going on, our readers will never be able to connect the dots. There's an old saying among preachers talking about another preacher's sermon. They said, "Just because the water is muddy, doesn't mean it's deep." So no matter how deep it really is, if they don't understand your story line, they will just think it's muddy (unclear). Get it? Now maybe I'm being muddy lol!

I hope you will create a story with actual characters, who will, in turn, show the negative emotions that you used as characters in this entry (envy, depression, pride, deceit, etc.) Then you will able to better expound (make clear) the truths you wrote about. Read (and study) how other Christian writers did (allegories) what you were doing here. Try "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

Now I hope what I've said doesn't discourage you. You definitely have what it takes to be an outstanding writer, if you persevere and are willing to give your readers what they want. A great mind like yours is what it takes. Your concept here was very creative, but too much is left to your reader's imagination. That's too much work for the average joe or jane. ☺

Thank you for your entry and your bravery for submitting such a compelling style. All the best to you. I'll be eagerly waiting for your next entry.