The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/29/15
Very moving story. The characters are very believable.
05/30/15
Very well written and expressive. Your writing is colorful and compelling, incorporating sight, sound, smell, etc. to make the story come alive to the reader. I would not place this in the beginner category - advanced would be a better fit.
I enjoyed this story a great deal. Your opening ranked high in my book because you showed the conflict right away and used suspense to keep me reading.

This line is a perfect example of the need for commas: Defiantly, she married Habeeb and Abdella and her husband fled to the home of their friend Musaf.
On a quick glance, it looks like she married two people (one with her own name ;) ). By placing a comma before the first and, and after Habeeb, you clarify the sentence and avoid a run-on by using a comma and the word, and, to connect two independent clauses.

I thought the dialog moved the story forward. If you're using italics for thoughts, you don't need the quotation marks, and if being said aloud, no italics.

You developed your main character in such a way, I could almost feel her pain. Your message is perfect for the world today. I know I often forget the horrors in the world because I'm nestled safely in my own little world. You prompted me to pray for the real person who is dealing with something similar to your MC's conflict. I may not know the real person's name, but God knows.

The last red ink I might offer has to do with the ending. I felt you tied it up too neatly. I know a lot has to do with the word limit, and it is one of the judging criterion that most people struggle with. She went from despair to reconciliation in one line. Now God is capable of doing such a thing, but in my opinion, here it felt rushed. Perhaps even something minor like: Abdella couldn’t understand why God had decided that her baby would grow up without a father. Tears streamed down her face as she crumpled to her knees. Please, God, grant me the strength. I feel so alone. Grappling for a foothold, she pulled herself up, shook off the sand, and wiped the snot from her face. Suddenly, she felt a sense of calm envelope her as she rubbed her protruding belly. It won't be easy, Baby; no it won't, but with God's help...

Iknow I took some liberties that you may not have, but I wanted to show how you could still end with hope, but not have it tied up in a bow. Instead, it's open-ended, not entirely, but enough for the reader to apply it to her own life.

Other than that last bit, I thought your ending was great. Your message of hope is important no matter what trial is being faced. You definitely leave the reader with hope and a desire to share Jesus' love just like you do in this story.
You also paint a vivid picture with outstanding verbs like wafted, crested, and shivered. The active lines helped create a perfect atmosphere. The pacing was spot on, and I truly enjoyed this read.