The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/17/15
Wow- this was great! Such a creative story...and it sounded like a true story too!

I loved it. Well done.

God bless~
07/18/15
This is delightful, cute and funny! There are a few tiny punctuation errors, but VERY good work! I especially enjoyed the humor:) KEEP WRITING you have IT!
07/18/15
Written well and clearly, great show of humor.
I enjoyed this. You did a nice job of building the suspense. I knew something was going on, but couldn't guess and you held my attention all the way through.

The one thing I might suggest would be to do more showing and less telling. The first half was almost all telling. When the sister opened the door, you started doing more showing. For example, you could do more showing in the beginning like this: Inhaling deeply, I tilted my head upwards as the wind tickled my face. What a perfect day. My sister sure is lucky to live in Pebble Beach. It's such a lovely town.

That's just a quick take to show you what I meant. Overall though I think you did a great job. Your fresh take on the topic pulled me in. Even though ugly tourist means rude, you still managed to show that definition of ugly with the actions of others and simultaneously showed the more typical definition of ugly. I think that was quite creative. You kept me entertained the whole read. I truly enjoyed this.