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The FaithWriters Writing Challenge and contest for Christian Writers!
The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 436 times

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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/29/14
Wow this was a compelling piece with a great wrap up.

Well done.

God bless~
08/30/14
I guess the title says it all - creepy but compelling introduction into the downward spiral of mind control.
Wow this is a thrilling story. I liked how you introduced the conflict right out of the box. It grabbed hold of me and I had to read on.

The only thing I'd encourage is to do more showing, especially in the beginning. This is just a sample to show what I mean:
When I was 14, Zeke and Zena abducted me. I tried to drown out his voice by identifying the smells around me. As I inhaled, suddenly, Zeke slapped my face. After the recoil, his words drifted into my ears. "Listen here, girl, I'm doing you a favor. You've got a new family with me and Zena, and it's time you learned some respect."

It may not be perfect, but I hope it shows you what I mean. You do a great job of the dialog later on. You also did a great job of writing on topic in a fresh and interesting way. Your ending was spectacular. It speaks volumes and different people will take different messages from it. Some prefer a happy ending, but this ending feels real and shows how much we can change without a constant intimate relationship with Jesus.

This would be a perfect synopsis for a novel. I could really see you expanding this and turning it into a thrilling YA book.
09/04/14
Congratulations!

I knew the judges would go for this. So, not a surprise!

Great work.

God bless~
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 13 overall! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.