Notice: session_start(): A session had already been started - ignoring in /var/www/vhosts/faithwriters.com/subdomains/transition/httpdocs/wc-article-level3-previous.php on line 34

Notice: Undefined index: KT_UserID in /var/www/vhosts/faithwriters.com/subdomains/transition/httpdocs/wc-article-level3-previous.php on line 35
The FaithWriters Writing Challenge and contest for Christian Writers!
The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 599 times

Notice: Undefined variable: comments in /var/www/vhosts/faithwriters.com/subdomains/transition/httpdocs/wc-article-level3-previous.php on line 216
Member Comments
Member
Date
I really enjoyed the story. You did a great job of setting the scene and atmosphere. I instantly related to the MC and wanted to reach through the screen to comfort her.

I noticed some of your sentences needed some tightening. When you only have 750 words, it's vital to make every word count. For example, this part could be tightened:
Just then a car pulled up.
Aaron went to the window to look out while Emily grabbed a mug for tea. “Hey, it's Erik. I'll see if he wants some breakfast!” Aaron smiled at the sight of his older brother.
To something like this:
As a car pulled up, Aaron looked out the window and smiled. "It's my brother, Erick."
I know I cut out a lot of the details, but they weren't needed to move the story forward, and your ending felt too rushed to me. I'm guessing you ran short on count. I surmised that she'd been attacked by her brother-in-law, but it wasn't totally clear. What I usually do is write the story out without worrying about the count. When I'm done, I'll go back through and cut out everything the reader doesn't need to know. If I looked at the count as I'm writing, I'd discover that I'm running low so start cutting words then, which often left me with a rushed ending.
Also be careful about POV shifts. Since Emily is the MC, you can only describe what she sees, thinks, or feels. A couple of time you shifted to Aaron's POV. It was super subtle. Emily would be able to see him smile, but not know what made him smile. The same thing with the concern in his voice. It's something she could figure out by his facial expressions and tone of voice, but concern is a feeling so she wouldn't be able to know how he's feeling.

I did enjoy this story and appreciate that it couldn't have been easy to write. I think you did a phenomenal job with it and could see it helping many people in many different ways. I know I was nit-picking quite a bit, but I see such wonderful potential in this story. It's almost impossible to think, write, and tweak a story in under a week, and you did great with those restraints. I sense God calling you to expand on this story. I think it could even become a whole book. I know I'd love to see as many people as possible read this piece because I've no doubt the Holy Spirit inspired you to write it, not only to help those in that situation to heal, but also to help family members understand. I didn't even touch on the importance of prayer and how God uses dreams to reach us, which were also great messages in your piece. Keep writing and listening to God. You are making a difference and your words touched my heart deeply.
06/17/15
Powerful description - I could feel her fear.