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The FaithWriters Writing Challenge and contest for Christian Writers!
The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I enjoyed this. I also think I hate it! when I go on any roller coaster. (Notice how I put the thoughts in italics.)I think you did a nice job of writing on topic in a fresh and intriguing way.

I did notice a comma splices and some other minor punctuation errors, but my biggest red ink would be in the transition criterion. I thought it felt a bit disjointed to go to the roller coaster description, which was a great hook in the beginning, to the search for parks. Another example is you say it's great for teens, but mention your son and his nine-year-old child.

I know a lot of people worry about keeping it under 750 words, but I'd urge you to let it go at first. Use dialog, descriptions, and body language to move the story forward and to develop the characters. Then if need be, go back and delete anything that doesn't move the story forward.

Many struggle with the beginning and the ending. In my opinion, those were your strongest criteria of the ones the judges used. Like I said before, I quickly related to the MC and found myself pulled into the story. The ending left me with a warm feeling. Your message is a strong one. I think with some tweaking, this would make a great devotion.
I only say, "I like it" after getting off the ride. I liked your message but got a little sidetracked at times.

Red Ink: Use more white space between paragraphs.