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The FaithWriters Writing Challenge and contest for Christian Writers!
The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
Ubiquitous is one of my favorite words so you piqued my curiosity right out of the gate. I was intrigued by Sarah and thought the story was paced nicely.

I noticed you used quite a few passive lines. By switching them around a bit, you'll be able to paint a brighter picture for your reader. For example, I might do something like this: In the restroom, Sarah scrubbed the stools; suddenly, she sensed a cold, frightening presence. She snapped her head left and right, her eyes scanning every inch of the room, but she didn't see anyone. Goosebumps popped out on her arm when she sensed a presence emitting from the corner. She licked her lips and forced herself to swallow.

I know I went a bit overboard, but wanted to show you how to use active sentences to paint a picture.

Also, write out numbers to ten (some say to a hundred). After Sarah found the dictionary, it felt like the voice changed. Instead of Sarah's voice, I felt like the author had stepped in. You could fix this by having Sarah talk to herself, read the definition aloud, and then maybe chide herself for being afraid. I really liked the MC and felt connected to her and missed her after she found the definition.

I liked the suspense in the story and would have enjoyed maybe even a couple more lines of Sarah fighting the impulse to run in fear. Your message is a great one. God is everywhere. I could see the chill in the story. It may not have been the main theme of the article, but you did touch on it. I know I get chills when freaked out alone at night in an empty building. The next time that happens, I'll remember this story and that God is there with me.

11/08/16
I can relate to how God will sometimes give us a word without us understanding what it means at first. I love how the Lord constantly shows us His care and concern for us. I enjoyed this interesting story.