Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: IN-LAWS (07/11/19)
- TITLE: Thinly Sliced Tomatoes
By Laurie Glass
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Thank you. It’s great to be here. If you’ve followed my column, you know how I like to spin a story.
I remember a time many years ago when I was watching TV and a knife commercial came on. This guy was cutting a tin can with that thing. I’m not exactly in the habit of cutting cans. Just as I started to roll my eyes, he said, “…and slice tomatoes so thin your in-laws will never come back.” THAT got my attention. He had me at “never come back.” Then he droned on about the potato peeler, and the bottle opener, and the other utensils... “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I thought, “just get to the phone number so I can order my in-law knife.” Uh…well, you know what I mean.
It got even better at the end. There was a 50 year guarantee. I figured 50 years should cover it. I scratched down the number and ran to the phone as fast as I could. It took forever to call on that rotary dial phone. I panicked, wondering if I’d get through before my in-laws’ next visit! To the younger, confused-looking folks in the audience, ask Grandma about the rotary dial phone and life before the internet.
Anyway, I remember their first visit after I received that magical knife. My husband didn’t speak to his mother for the first four hours. He’s so polite, and he didn’t want to interrupt her.
I shouldn’t be so hard on her, though. After all, she’s quick to apologize. As soon as she walked in the door, she was sorry to see I didn’t have time to get myself together before they arrived. Later, she complimented me on the spaghetti supper I made from scratch, asking if the sauce was Ragu. Before they left, she commented how nice it is that I’m not uptight and don’t care how the house looks when company comes. It made me wonder which came first: the mother-in-law or the back-handed compliment.
I remember thinking I’d rather sleep with rotten eggs under my pillow than to endure another visit like that.
And guess what. They came back! Given the misleading advertising and money back guarantee, I asked for a refund on that stupid knife. But I didn’t get it. Just like I didn’t get how my father-in-law could live with that woman. All I knew was that I became jealous of someone I never thought I’d be jealous of: Eve. She didn’t have a mother-in-law.
I learned a valuable lesson in all of this: sadly, a thinly sliced tomato a day does NOT keep the in-laws away.
Remember it’s all in fun, folks. Thank you, everyone. You’ve been a great audience.
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